Living Inside Out with Toks

Narcissism. I watched Jada Pinkett smith's red table talk where she had a psychologist as a guest. Dr Ramani Durvasula shared the traits of a narcissist and In the spirit of becoming a better friend to my friends, I found myself hoping I’m not a narcissist. We think of someone who is so self-absorbed that they make everything about them, and while I don’t think I do, I did check a box or two while watching the programme. In the end, I concluded that I need to stay on that path to becoming a better, less self-absorbed person generally.

I truly believe we were created to fulfil a specific purpose on earth. And purpose has to tick two boxes. One, glorify God and two, help others. And in the process of living out your purpose, you are transformed into the person worthy of carrying it. Whatever your purpose is, you have everything you need inside you to fulfil it. My favourite example of purpose is Nick Vujicic of Life Without Limbs. He was born with no arms or legs yet daily he fulfils his purpose of breaking barriers and crossing boundaries to lead people to the love of Christ that he has experienced. Nick has reached countries in a way that many haven't. We cannot deny that what many will call impossible, he has managed to do, missing limbs notwithstanding because he has all he needs inside him.

So when we think that what we need to thrive in our purpose, we already carry inside us, we also need to believe that we are surrounded by physical resources to help us fulfil it. One of those resources is the friends you keep. In the previous hot episode of Toxic Friendships, we looked at examples of how the wrong person in your life can sabotage your growth, for example. In the same vein, the right people can help you in phenomenal ways. Episode 11 was about the Value of a good friend and I shared three examples of friends that have been instrumental in where I stand today.

So how can we attract the right people in our lives?

Let’s look at why you must have good friends. First of all, your environment feeds your mind. You cannot underestimate the rate of absorption by the mind. The mind takes in information you are not even aware is present. If you are serious about personal growth and mindset changes, you have got to cull your environment. Know who is saying what and when they are most likely to say it.

Curate Your Environment

Years ago during the recession I was navigating a fledgling business and trying to stay positive in the process when I got a call;

"Toks, you came to mind because I wanted to know how business was doing."

"Well, every day we keep pushing forward. Anyway we are coming to the end of the recession so our only option is going up from here."

"No, haven’t you heard? It’s about to get worse!"

"Well even if it does, I don’t think my industry is badly affected."

"Ah Toks, in fact they have said its your specific market that will be hurt the most."

I started sweating. She was gaining ground. "I continued weakly, well, even if that’s the case, one day it will end."

"Yes of course it will, but the question is will you survive until then? Do you have a plan B?"

She won. I didn’t have a plan B. I didn't know what I'd do if the business folded. I had tried not to think about it but this woman brought it firmly to my attention.

So the next time there was a crisis and she called, I sent her to my voicemail. I typically do this when in a vulnerable place and trying to stay grounded. You have to know what conversations to hold with whom and when. On the other hand, if you have friends that constantly remind you of your abilities you cannot see, you are in good company. Because while I believe we should make decisions and draw conclusions from our spirit, which is one with God, we sometimes reach for our emotions to affirm us. So if I don’t feel capable, I might not attempt the task. You need friends who can see your brilliance and describe it to you when you’re in the dark. That person doesn’t have to be a friend, it can be a mentor or a coach, your spouse or even a coworker.

Good Friends are an Extra Pair of Eyes (and hands)

Another reason you need good friends is they can point out obstacles on your path before you see them. They can be an extra pair of eyes for you. I have stories of when friends warned me about a danger I couldn’t see. Back in secondary school, my friend Ifeayinwa once whispered an examination tip to me. It was maths exam and our teacher famously made all the correct answers except one, C. It was multiple choice with options A to E. Of Course if you found all your answers were C, you’d be thrown off at how ridiculous it was. So my friend walked past me to get some paper and whispered to each of us- her friends, as she went past "numbers 1 to 7 C!"

In boarding school, there were times my friends warned me about a plot by a senior or staff member to punish our class or hostel so we all had the opportunity to escape.

Good Friends Help You Fight

Good friends can help you fight when you are weak. Fighting can mean looking after you when you are ill or bereaved, speaking up for you in your absence or making you look good when you don’t.

Be the Friend You want to Have

Living from the inside out will lead you to connect with the right people. Last year I began to desire a different type of circle of friends. I have my ride or die chicks, and they are not going anywhere, but as I grew, I noticed a growing need to have people with specific qualities in my life. People who would pull me up. I had a picture of the type of friends I wanted, and unknowingly, I started to desire their attributes. This led to me working on myself to acquire these desired traits, and before you knew it, I was beginning to exhibit some of the qualities.

I believe my new qualities attracted the right people to me. You have to be the friend you want to have. What's with noting is that by working on yourself, you are also becoming the type of friend people want in their life. It isn't enough to take good things, you must be willing to become desirable so others are blessed by you.

I believe God has placed people on our path that are specific for our journey. There are people who only come into our lives for a season and that’s all they’re meant to be there for. Some of my closest friends are friends from my school days. There is something so effortless and childlike in our communication, even as adults. But I also have friends today that I met in adulthood, and I trust my life with them. So don’t crop out the possibility of having a close friend that you’ve only just met.

One of the most famous friendships is between Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King. Oprah tells the story of when Gayle was visiting her, this was in her very early days, she found $482 in her coat pocket. She took it out and asked her friend, you want it? And Gayle refused. Ten years later Gayle recounted the story and said she could think of a million things she could have done with the money. Paid her utility bills, bought groceries, filled her tank with petrol, but she didn’t want to ask so Oprah wouldn’t think she wanted her money. That is called self-respect.

To attract the right friends, you have to exhibit the qualities you want to see in your friends. You know what it's like when you meet someone for the first time, and by the end of the evening, you decide I never want to be friends with him or her or would like to hang out. We are constantly being watched in the same way we watch others and while one evening isn’t enough to decide to be besties, a lot can be revealed about a person through conversation.

How to win Friends

In his best-selling book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, one of Dale Carnegie’s tips is to respect people. Even if you don’t agree with their opinion, you don’t have to be rude or forceful about it. People are turned off when you try to be a know it all, denouncing their views and describing it as wrong. There is such a thing as agreeing to disagree. This doesn’t mean don’t have an opinion, rather we should have our opinion but not enforce it on others. The more time you spend working on your inside, the more qualities you’ll discover that you want to either lose or keep.

I discovered only recently that I don’t have the patience for people who want to keep me in the past. I hadn’t spoken to this old friend for a few years and called to see how he was doing. During the conversation, he lectured me on changes I need to make in my life, and how I needed to step up in some areas. I’m sure he meant well. But he was speaking to a version of Toks that no longer existed.

I was taken aback that my friend did not know me, and I felt disrespected by his comments although to be fair, he didn’t do or say anything he wouldn’t normally have said, In the three years since we last connected, I had grown. So it felt like he didn’t recognise my growth and was fixated on my weaknesses; any further conversation would have annoyed me so I hung up.

Good Friends Grow With You

I want to be with people who are passionate about growing and recognise growth when they see it. And he didn’t. This is a new desire because the same conversation wouldn’t have gone left if we’d had it a couple of years ago. This tells us that change can affect friendships. But it is important that you recognise the changes you are going through so you don’t drive good friends away, and you must also recognise and expect your friends’ growth, so they don’t walk away from you.

I believe people will receive you in the way you present yourself to them. If you have insecurity issues and you’re looking for someone to validate your worth, you’ll attract a predator. One who preys on your vulnerability and lack of self-worth. So don’t look for a friend to fill a void in your life, or to make up for the areas you are weak in.

Friendships should be based on mutual love and respect and authenticity. When you are in a friendship with someone who isn’t real, the years erodes the layers and eventually, you’ll be left with someone who doesn’t fit into the space you carved out for them. This means you should also practice authentic living. I define authenticity as the stripping away of embellishments so that the real you shows up. Your real self will recognise and become friends with their real self. There’ll be no weaving and diving, wondering what version of you to present each time you meet.

Know Your Foundation, Know Your Values

I don’t think friends need to have the same interests or be similar in the way they think. Those are relatively surface traits which do not necessarily form the foundation of who we are. What matters, are the values we hold. What are those make or break attributes that you will not compromise on? This does not mean you should only have friends that share the same values as you. But to know what you desire in a friend, you must know who you are and what’s important to you. The more we explore, the more we discover that to have good friends, one must know one’s self and live from the inside out.
Here’s my assignment for you this week, take a values test, link below.

Over the years, how have you made some of your most memorable friendships? Also, what's your number one value?

Values Living Questionnaire

How to Win Friends and Influence People

1. The One who takes you in when you are homeless.

• 2. The One who will pray with you at 2 am in the morning.

My son was at heaven’s door. The doctors had given up on him. They didn’t know what else to do. Their exact words were, Mrs Aruoture, we have done all we can.’ Shoulders were hunched. Voices were hushed and low. And this scared mother fell to her knees begging the doctors- begging God to try again. It WAS 2 am or so. I called three friends and my aunty in Leicester. I told them to pray.  My dear friend Buki is a doctor based in the USA. We have seen each other twice in the last thirty years but with her- that’s neither here nor there. You need that friend too. The one who doesn’t get upset that you didn’t call her. The one who loves you without needing to say so with words.  I knew she’d pray. We had prayed together in the past and shared intimate stories.

• 3. The One who can hover above your life and see what’s up.

This is your sensible friend. She is non-judgemental and slow to speak. She doesn’t display desperation to air her views, rather she listens and observes and has the ability to extricate her emotions from what you are freaking out about, so she can make a sensible recommendation in your life. Everyone needs one in their life. I was having a moment. I knew what I wanted to do, I was clear on the direction I needed to grow in but lacked the confidence in my own ability. I had unburdened to my trusty journal. I had shared in passing with my close friends who took just knew I could do what I wanted to do. but what I didn’t tell them was that I couldn’t see what they saw. Until I spoke to Oga. She asked me what was stopping me. And I opened up and told her I had no evidence in my life that I had achieved such a feat. She sat me down and began to school me on what I had successfully done. You go to work every day. You have built a business from scratch. You have a busy household. That's the proof you need. My own concerns were valid. The limitations I identified were true, they were facts. But my friend was able to see that they existed indeed, but my gifts were superior in strength and they could override my weaknesses.

I recognise some of my gifts, but not all. I too am able to hover over the lives of others and see that in the end, they made it. This was what I saw when I looked over another friend’s life. I could see that he had a path ahead of him and it led to a beautiful destination. I saw he was literally overflowing with gifts, but he too did not see them so he couldn’t believe in them. I moved a little left and saw that he was drawing most of his conclusions based on what he saw. I also noticed his emotions played a major part in his beliefs. I saw some obstacles on his path, but there was a way around them. The trouble was he came so close to each that it obscured his vision. If only he could take a few steps back, and trust the directions he was given at the start.

1. It Is Not Supposed To Be This Way.

2. If Only… Then...

3. The third lie we believe is I must follow the beaten path

We have all been there, how one seemingly tiny error ends up setting everything on fire. 

A single tweet from Justine Sacco set her career and the Twitterverse, alight. That was in 2015. She posted a racist comment then boarded a 12-hour flight to South Africa. Justine landed to meet the chaos including the loss of her job. 

 The use of racist slurs along with its denial, plus Mark Fuhrman's refusal to answer a pertinent question changed the outcome of the O.J Simpson trial. 

 Derek Chauvin, a single thought to kneel on George Floyd's neck resulted in his death and worldwide protests saying what should be pretty obvious, that Black Lives Matter. #blacklivesmatter

 Throughout history, we see how a matchstick can set a forest on fire. Whether it is a single word, a social media post or a seemingly irrelevant opinion, it would appear that it is the little balls of fires, not the great ones that wreak the most havoc. 

 In this episode, we look at how mindsets and beliefs act as receptors just waiting for the right opportunity or fuel to set things ablaze. 

 But not all fires come to destroy, some come to clear a path for you to go on to greatness. This is what happened for Steve Harvey when he announced Miss Columbia as the winner of the Miss Universe Pageant in 2015. 

 There is a pivotal moment when the fire has been lit, where if you act quickly enough, you can change the course of things. 

1. Patience: Wait for the urge to pass. 

2. Know your mindsets- and uproot the wrong ones. Mindsets or receptors are waiting for the right moment to cause an explosion. The wrong word spoken by your boss. The ideal situation for a crisis. You cannot change or control external occurrences, but you have power over your own response. 

3. Humility: Choose integrity over popularity and admit your mistake, just like Steve Harvey did. 

Emotions are what we experience when a thought moves us to act.

Some are more intense than others and the intense ones are responsible for equally intense actions or beliefs. In this episode, How to Handle Intense Emotions, I share some tips on using the power of fear.

We can either be led by fear, or we can use fear as a springboard to leap forward.

I have learned that you can never understand a person until you are able to get under their skin, enter into their world and see things from their point of view. Their viewpoint is their reality, and realities can be altered by intense feelings.

Tips for handling fear:

1. Draw boundary lines around areas of your heart so that a powerful feeling of fear or anger, for example, does not go on to disrupt other areas.
2. Channel it into a physical act. Not one that you have no control over such as rage, but one that will produce results and bring you into a place of peace. A tumultuous mind cannot make smart decisions.
3. Talk to your sisters or brothers. It is important to have the right people in your life. You need your crazy friends, your confidantes, your calm friends and more.

Your feelings drive your actions. It is possible to have one desire but work towards an unrelated goal, one that your intention dictates. 

• Hybrids take the benefits from both sides.
• Hybrids are also sterile and don’t have the life to keep reproducing.

• Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8 KJV