Ep #11 The Value of a Good Friend

Episodes

Saturday Jun 27, 2020

Saturday Jun 27, 2020

A girl’s first friend is herself, before her siblings if she has any. The closeness and love we have for ourselves I believe forms the foundation of future relationships. Any insecurities we carry are in part responsible for any toxic relationships we are holding on to.

I don’t know about you but as I’ve gotten older, my circle of friends have shrunk. Maybe its because you truly need a village to raise you until you don’t need as much handholding any longer. Letting go of your tribe’s hands can be a sign of growth- although not always. I have picked three types of friends that have helped me grow over the years.

The One who takes you in when you are homeless.

I learned that you cannot tell who your true friends are until you are stripped of everything. Because some people are friends with the things that embellish you. Others are friends with the way you look when you are adorned by nice things- like smokey eyes that are not a part of your everyday look. Still, others are friends with you because of how you make them feel, and no one wants a Debbie downer in their circle. We returned to England homeless and this friend, Suzy, took my growing family into her home. I cannot tell the story of my life without mentioning Suzy’s name. We didn’t grow up together, but we might as well have.

One of the attributes I noticed only when I looked back was that she never looked down on us for not having anything to our name. She saw and still sees the value in people- not in the assets or achievements of others. The joy of having a person who truly sees you and truly loves you is plentiful. You can be yourself and not worry about how they receive you. You don’t have to plan and arrange your words before you speak. You can give them a gift in a paper bag- because you forgot to buy a gift bag. You can even forget their birthday and they will be fine with that. Because they know you. And your friendship goes beyond material things. I came across this quote which aptly describes this sort of friendship:

A friend is one who overlooks your broken fence and admires the flowers in your garden.

2. The One who will pray with you at 2 am in the morning.

My son was at heaven’s door. The doctors had given up on him. They didn’t know what else to do. Their exact words were, Mrs Aruoture, we have done all we can.’ Shoulders were hunched. Voices were hushed and low. And this scared mother fell to her knees begging the doctors- begging God to try again. It WAS 2 am or so. I called three friends and my aunty in Leicester. I told them to pray. My dear friend Buki is a doctor based in the USA. We have seen each other twice in the last thirty years but with her- that’s neither here nor there. You need that friend too. The one who doesn’t get upset that you didn’t call her. The one who loves you without needing to say so with words. I knew she’d pray. We had prayed together in the past and shared intimate stories.

Shola told me she’d call me right back. And she did, five minutes later. Toks, the reason I said I’d call back was that God woke me up a couple of minutes before you called and told me to expect your call. That freaked me out- but I saved that freaking out for later because I needed to deal with the matter at hand. Shola left her house- her family at 2 in the morning and made the thirty-minute drive to a hospital to sit and pray with her friend. Guys, you need a Shola in your life. For me, it’s two-fold. For years I marvelled at her willingness to get into the cold night and drive to meet me. I struggle to leave my warm duvet to have my quiet time inside my own house, wearing a warm fuzzy housecoat, fuzzy socks and a hot cup of tea. But this woman left her warm bed and headed out. But while I was preparing this episode, I saw a side to the friendship I never considered which is that I had someone in my life that God could speak to on my behalf. And when she showed up, she prayed and cried out to God like she was praying for her own son. She felt the same panic I did, as a mum and feared for our son’s life. And God answered. That 12-year-old son is now 19 and still as cheeky and loving as he was at 12. A quote that describes this type of friend is:

Good friends are like stars. You don't always see them, but you know they're always there.

3. The One who can hover above your life and see what’s up.

This is your sensible friend. She is non-judgemental and slow to speak. She doesn’t display desperation to air her views, rather she listens and observes and has the ability to extricate her emotions from what you are freaking out about, so she can make a sensible recommendation in your life. Everyone needs one in their life. I was having a moment. I knew what I wanted to do, I was clear on the direction I needed to grow in but lacked the confidence in my own ability. I had unburdened to my trusty journal. I had shared in passing with my close friends who took just knew I could do what I wanted to do. but what I didn’t tell them was that I couldn’t see what they saw. Until I spoke to Oga. She asked me what was stopping me. And I opened up and told her I had no evidence in my life that I had achieved such a feat. She sat me down and began to school me on what I had successfully done. You go to work every day. You have built a business from scratch. You have a busy household. That's the proof you need. My own concerns were valid. The limitations I identified were true, they were facts. But my friend was able to see that they existed indeed, but my gifts were superior in strength and they could override my weaknesses.

I recognise some of my gifts, but not all. I too am able to hover over the lives of others and see that in the end, they made it. This was what I saw when I looked over another friend’s life. I could see that he had a path ahead of him and it led to a beautiful destination. I saw he was literally overflowing with gifts, but he too did not see them so he couldn’t believe in them. I moved a little left and saw that he was drawing most of his conclusions based on what he saw. I also noticed his emotions played a major part in his beliefs. I saw some obstacles on his path, but there was a way around them. The trouble was he came so close to each that it obscured his vision. If only he could take a few steps back, and trust the directions he was given at the start.

Unofficially, my life has been dedicated to stirring people ways from obstacles in the form of limiting beliefs. I can’t say that I recognised this gift But it really gets to me when I see people struggling completely unaware that they are carrying the solution to their problems. My prayer is that the Living Inside Out Podcast will help you to identify the mindsets, beliefs and filters that have become an obstruction so you can reach out and grab the gifts God has given you. I truly truly believe that we carry in us all we need to progress, but it takes a village to do so. This week I want you to identify the traits you see in your friends and appreciate those that God has placed in your life.

Everyone needs that trusted friend that can zoom out of your life, take an aerial shot and tell you what they see. To attract that friend you need to be vulnerable yet able to put your sensitivity to the side. You must also make room for that friend by removing those who occupy space in your life for the wrong reasons. And that will be in the next episode. Where we will explore toxic friendships. I don’t have a title yet- lol, but we’ll see. We’ll see. I have only shared three traits using three of my friends but there are more and I will introduce them further down the line.

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Living Inside Out with Toks

Episodes

Ep #11 The Value of a Good Friend

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